My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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