The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
