Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
the liver wants what the liver wants
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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