Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
