WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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