he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
