I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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