Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
