My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
