fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
