I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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