She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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