I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
