hell yes lets make some ravioli
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
