umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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