Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.