I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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