The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
she told me i tasted like america
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
