My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
