Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
