its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just had sex on a roof
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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