If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
