i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize