I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
