If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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