We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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