I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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