pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
