Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
