why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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