dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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