I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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