textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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