You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
