I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize