I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
