i will never coherently bang her
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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