Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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