You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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