dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
