the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
