Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
