is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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