K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
