Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
