I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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