She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
