I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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