Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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