margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
be right there i have to get my cape
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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