turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
