what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
