She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
