i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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