I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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