Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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