fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
