people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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