New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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