atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
